Fog Blog

Seven chemo treatments done...one to go. The end is in sight, but not here yet. The pattern of these last three Taxol treatments has been very consistent:

• Monday - treatment day: 6 hours in the chemo room; no headaches or other real negatives. Strong white and red counts but my platelets are a bit low and I get nose bleeds and bruise easily. The neuropathy in my feet (as the nerve cells get killed off) is getting worse -- feels like my feet and toes are asleep and the tingling doesn't go away, but does feel better when Hannah rubs my feet or they're in the hot tub. It should get better once my treatments are finished but there could be some permanent numbing; doctors would rather give me the full dose of chemo and risk the neuropathy. So far it hasn't affected my fingers but my fingernails are a little tender and slightly discolored (but not as much as my other friends who took Taxol). The benedryll that is given to prevent inflammation with the chemo flow seemed to stop my dry cough that had hung on for weeks and weeks...nice side effect. The anti-nausea drug I take is a steroid and hypes me up in a nice, high energy way. Stayed up until 3 a.m. setting up the new computer we bought Dennis for Fathers Day and getting his old computer set up to be the kids' new computer.
• Tuesday - Neulasta day: in spite of staying up late, I was up in the morning taking care of health insurance and house refinancing stuff, then off to lunch with a fellow cancer survivor and Israel sojourner. Got my Neulasta shot (now at half dose) and went to the Breast Imaging Center for the first time since my diagnosis in November. It felt strange to be in the same waiting rooms, but nice to have a sense of peace and clarity about what they'd find: perfectly clear, normal healing of the scars and lumpectomy area. Next mammogram will be in November.
• Wednesday - Fog Day 0.5: gorgeous quiet morning on the deck, still feeling fine until about noon...then the fog rolls in. Headache, fuzzy head and achy muscles and bones, similar to having the flu. Still able to read and work on the computer but not at a very zippy pace. Kids went with neighbors to Cheyenne so it was quiet around here all afternoon. They were back by dinner and then were picked up at 10:00 for a sleepover. As soon as they left, I went to bed and slept all night aside from bathroom breaks because of all the extra water I drink.
• Thursday - Fog Day 1.5: total chemo fog day, start to finish. Feel really sluggish, tired, not able to move very quickly, low energy, very jet lagged. Weighed in this morning at 129, almost 20 pounds less than when I started...and back to my 20-something weight...another nice side effect. I'm eating well and have most of my taste buds back (after they were killed off by the first chemo drugs) but I don't have a desire to overeat. I've cut out some things from my diet that have certainly cut calories, fat and sugar: Starbucks coffee with cream and sugar has been replaced with hot water and fresh lemon juice every morning; no beer or soda and only an very occasional glass of wine; lots less cheese and dairy though I've put milk back into the mix most days. Basically smaller portions that fit my smaller appetite, and good mix of fruits and vegetables and not much dessert. Walked 3 or 4 blocks to get the kids to their swimming lesson and found that to be about as much as I could handle. Napped all afternoon -- nothing better than sleeping in the water bed when chemo fog is heaviest.
• Friday - Fog Day 2.5: tired and achy but alert enough to do my Bible study, read the paper, do some puzzles and bring my laptop out to the deck to write this blog. It's a beautiful summer day, kids are sleeping in and life couldn't be any more peaceful here on the deck. We had another rain storm last night so the air is clear and fresh.
• Saturday - The Fog Lifts: I'm expecting that by tomorrow (Saturday), the chemo fog will have lifted and though I won't have full energy back, I'll start to feel clearer in my thinking and able to start doing more things again...building back to almost normal throughout the rest of the week, including our favorite, Fourth of July neighborhood celebrations.

Once my chemo is done, I'll start getting ready for radiation. Made an appointment to see the radiation oncologist on July 23rd. There's quite a bit of prep work involved -- making a custom mask to fit my body so the radiation is pinpointed exactly where it needs to go, and no further -- so I probably won't start that until mid to late August. August 17 is the first day of school so I'm thinking that will be when I start radiation -- everyday for 15-30 minutes for 5 or 6 weeks (end of September). With the break in between chemo and radiation, we should have a chance to get away for a short vacation or at least for a few days to do our Passport to Purity getaways (Dennis with Hugh and me with Hannah). Hannah's soccer practice starts up the first week in August so before we know it the summer will feel like it's winding down.

I was hoping to get my port out as soon as possible but my oncologist recommends we keep it in for awhile, just in case the cancer comes back quickly. The type of cancer I have ("Triple Negative"...estrogen negative, projesterine negative and HER2 negative) tends to be more aggressive in recurring but I feel that God has told me the cancer is healed and my oncologist is impressed with how well I've gotten through the treatments thus far and there's no reason now to think it will come back soon. As I get skinnier, the port sticks out even more (it's the size of a walnut, under my skin below my collar bone). Ugly and creepy feeling but not really an issue having it in.

Before I forget, I did want to share an odd side effect I've experienced, counter to the usual eyebrow and eyelash loss: my eyelashes didn't fall out and now are growing longer than normal. During the first four treatments, my eye brows thinned and my eyelashes bleached out to a blond/light brown color. Now my eyelashes have grown at least a quarter inch longer than normal and have come back their normal dark brown. I don't normally wear mascara, but when I do, boy, do I have long beautiful eyelashes, top and bottom. They even get in the way of my vision sometimes, to which Hugh (who has always had to-die-for eye lashes) said, "Welcome to my world."

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

For the Display of HER Splendor?

I've been on a bit of a scarf buying frenzy the last few weeks. Not that I didn't have a number of gorgeous scarves that Mom brought in March, but now that every "what should I wear?" decision has to factor in headware too, I was feeling like a few more scarves in summer colors would help.

Hannah helped me find the first two new scarves during a fun Girls Day Out. She correctly predicted that I'd find a hot pink scarf at Justice, a strictly for tweener girls store. At Aeropostale, we found a lemon lime tie dye scarf -- the only thing in the entire store that didn't have "Aeropostale" plastered across it (but now you know how totally cool I am, and if you don't know how cool Aeropostale is, you'll just have to ask Hannah or any other aspiring teenager).

Last Tuesday, still hyped up on Decadron, the steroid anti-nausea drug I get the days surrounding my Taxol chemo treatments, I went downtown to see if I couldn't find something a little more, well, sophisticated. No offense, Justice.

And boy, did I score! At Designs I found a beautiful hand painted green silk scarf (hard to see, but it's the shawl around Hannah's arm in this photos). At Nepal Tibet Imports, I found a loosely woven coral/pink/purple scarf that works with many of my summer things...and someday won't smell like incense.

My favorite is the one I found at Lizzy's at Julian's. It's the one I'm wearing in the photo with Hannah and the one after. What caught my eye was the beautiful free flowing design in a cornucopia of "my" colors. Gorgeous!

But what caught Hannah and Hugh's eye when I showed off my scarf conquest...what caused Hannah to look in horror and ask, "Mom, why did you buy that scarf?!?!?"...what I was totally oblivious to as I tried it on at Lizzy's:

You might wonder how I could possibly miss such a, well, noticeable part of the design? Chemo brain? Breast cancer breast blindness? Decadron delusions? I don't know but I love this scarf! And I'm thankful that her perky breasts fall right at the place I knot the scarf...our little secret.

At that time Jesus said,
"I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth,
because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned,
and revealed them to little children.
Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.

Matthew 11:25

He said to them,
"Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed?
Instead, don't you put it on its stand?
For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed

and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.

Mark 4:22

Dry Bones, Come to Life

Well no wonder my bones have been aching! Instead of the usual pathetic 300-600 white blood cells in my 1-week-post-chemo blood count, today they have exploded to an unimaginably high 27,600 cells. Not only is that massively higher than usual, it's way higher than even my healthy rates (which seem to kick up to around 8,000 by the time I'm ready for another chemo treatment). This seems to indicate that Taxol (the chemo drug I'll be on for my final four treatments. starting last week) isn't nearly as brutal on my white and red counts as the chemo drugs used in the first four treatments.

They'll be able to cut my bone marrow booster dosage in half next week. In the meantime, when my legs, hips and shoulder bones ache I can dip into my post-surgery pain killers to dull the ache. My physicians assistant assures me I won't become a drug addict, just happier and more rested.

The other good thing about Taxol is it didn't give me any headaches the day of chemo. The chemo fog hit as usual, or maybe harder, the third, fourth and fifth day after chemo. It probably felt worse because I had to spend those days sorting through health insurance policies for Dennis and the kids. It would have been mind numbing work on a normal day, but definitely was a mind over matter task for my chemo brain. It got done anyway and time will tell whether the decisions I made "in the fog" had God's light guiding them; I'm trusting so.

I did experience some Taxol-related neuropathy that may get worse as I go through more treatments. The Taxol damages the nerve endings in feet and hands, making them feel numb or tingly. I noticed that the bottoms of my feet felt slightly numb when I woke up on Saturday. I'll need to be careful about not going barefoot outdoors and watching that I don't loose my balance. Hopefully it won't get much worse and regardless, it will go away once the chemo is finished.

My energy level is returning. On Sunday afternoon, we had a wonderful but draining trip to Estes Park to visit friends. Monday I was able to have a long, laugh-filled B&B lunch with Sarah and Lynda. And Wednesday I'll be in an all-day school board meeting/planning workshop -- so energy is a wonderful thing!

The hand of the LORD was upon me,

and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley;

it was full of bones.

He led me back and forth among them,

and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley,

bones that were very dry.

He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"

I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know."

enter you, and you will come to life.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them,

Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD!

This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones:

I will make breath

I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you

and cover you with skin;

I will put breath in you, and you will come to life.

Then you will know that I am the LORD.' "

Ezekiel 37:1-6