My Song of Praise

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my biopsy that diagnosed breast cancer. In so many ways it seems like ages ago, and in other ways just days ago.  I wrote about that period on my page on the Faith Walkers website (http://www.faithwalkers2.com/carolyne.htm). 

God has been so faithful and His Word has proven life giving and true.  Yesterday and today I revised Samuel 22 (David’s Song of Praise) to be my own. Be encouraged. Through God, WE ARE VICTORIOUS!

Love you,
Carolyne

P.S. My new hair is curly and a different color than before (grayer and a duller sable brown).  Time will tell if it stays curly or goes back to its old self.  I think I'm my old self (in a good way).

2nd Samuel 22

Carolyne's Song of Praise

1 Carolyne sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered her from cancer and the fear of cancer. 2 She said:

"You O LORD are my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

3 my God, you are my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
You are my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—
from disease and distress you save me.

4 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,

and I am saved from my enemies, from cancer, from fear, from anxiety.

5 "The waves of death swirled about me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

6 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

7 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I called out to my God.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came to his ears.

8 "The earth trembled and quaked,
the foundations of the heavens shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

9 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

10 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

11 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

12 He made darkness his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

13 Out of the brightness of his presence
bolts of lightning blazed forth.

14 The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.

15 He shot arrows and scattered the enemies, each and every cancer cell,
bolts of lightning and routed them.

16 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at the rebuke of the LORD,
at the blast of breath from his nostrils.

17 "He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

18 He rescued me from my powerful enemy, Satan,
from disease that was too strong for me.

19 Satan tried to confront me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support and He makes me a victor in all things.

20 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

21 "The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

22 For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
I have not done evil by turning from my God.

23 All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.

24 I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.

25 The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to my cleanness in his sight, thanks to the covering, cleansing blood of Jesus.

26 "To the faithful you show yourself faithful, O Lord,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

27 to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.

28 You save the humble,
but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.

29 You are my lamp, O LORD;
the LORD turns my darkness into light.

30 With your help I can advance against a troop in any battle;
with my God I can scale a wall, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

31 "As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

32 For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?

33 It is you O God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

34 You make my feet like the feet of a deer;
you enable me to stand on the heights.

35 You train my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze and uphold all who are hurting.

36 You give me your shield of victory;
you stoop down to make me great.

37 You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

38 "I pursued my enemies -- cancer and fear -- and crushed them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

39 I crushed them completely, and they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.

40 You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet, you made cancer my slave.

41 You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.

42 They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the LORD, but he did not answer. In His presence they are powerless.

43 I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth;
I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets.

44 "You have delivered me from the attacks of Satan;
you have preserved me as a light to the world.
People I did not know are encouraged by me, and drawn to you,

45 and foreigners come curiously to me;
as soon as they hear me, they soften to you, O Lord.

46 They do not lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds, seeking you, O Lord, God of Carolyne, Creator of the Universe.

47 "The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God, the Rock, my Savior!
48 He is the God who avenges me,
who puts Satan under me and cancer behind me,
49 who sets me free from anxiety.
You exalted me above my trial;
from deadly disease you rescued me.

50 Therefore I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations;
I will sing praises to your name.

51 He gives his daughters great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to Carolyne and her descendants forever."

"It is finished."

At 1:41 this afternoon, I walked out of the surgeon's office port-free and cancer-free. Jesus said, "It is finished." I just said, "Yahoooooo!"

Detecting that I'm cancer-free is medically a matter of faith at this point, though I'm quite certain of it. But there's absolutely no question that I am port-free. Unlike the procedure to put it in, I was awake for its removal. I can't tell you exactly what it looked like because they hung a curtain between my face and my chest, supposedly so I wouldn't contaminate the site with my breath or a sneeze. More likely it was there so I wouldn't throw up or strangle the surgeon if I watched.

The same surgeon who put it in almost seven months ago, took it out today, using the original 1-inch incision, a few inches below my right collar bone. After numbing up the area, he tugged and jimmied out the purple walnut sized rubber port along with the 7-inch long tube that had been inserted in a vein going into the main artery of my heart. Just like at the dentist, the numbing needles hurt as much or more than the real work they're doing; but from the sounds and sensations of him working, I could tell it didn't just pop out on its own.

I haven't bled to death, so I guess he was right that the vein closes in on itself when the tube is pulled out. I'm not sure what the lovely red body tissue is on the tray. I didn't ask to take it home, nor do I plan to use the port in a Cancer Journey Shadow Box, like one patient reportedly made. Instead, I'll just preserve the memory through this beautiful photo I'm sharing with you.

I'll keep the dressing on for a week and by then the stitches should have dissolved. It feels a little tender and itchy but nice to not feel the tube going up over my collar bone and the tightness and lump of the port coming out of my chest. I'm glad to have had it (way easier to get the chemo through it and to have blood samples taken from it)...but very glad to have it no more.

(This photo shows how the port looked in me: the purple area on the left is it, sticking up from underneath my skin and the dot on my collar bone is where the tube came up and over it. Both felt weird to touch.)

I finished radiation last Tuesday the 6th -- also a major "Yahoooooo!" because it marked the end of my daily treatment routine and back to a normal "my life" routine. Here's a photo taken in the changing room where I went everyday to don a lovely blue and white cotton hospital gown. When I own my own radiation oncology firm, I will supply my clients with colorful polar fleece gowns in a variety of colors and styles, and none with open backs and tricky ties.

The radiology clinic staff did provide some nice touches though. Not only were they kind and fun to be with each day, but they always had jigsaw puzzles in the waiting room, an assortment of cookies to munch on and a "Happy Day" cake to celebrate my last day of radiation.

The radiation itself proved to be quite painless and unobtrusive, except for the time it took out of each day. I didn't feel particularly tired and was able to get back to normal work and activities throughout the seven weeks of treatment. My dad drove out from Iowa ("Thank you, Dad!!!") to drive with Hannah and I to a soccer tournament in Vail two weekends ago but I was fine doing all of the driving (3 hours each way) and again this weekend when Hannah and I and our friend Vivian drove to Estes Park for a women's retreat. I even started an exercise program for cancer patients at the hospital and am doing fine with that. There's no question which breast got the radiation as my entire left breast and underarm was bright red, like a bad sunburn. A week after my last radiation, it's now starting to peel and get less red and should return to normal pretty quickly.

The book I've been working on throughout radiation -- Radiation Rhema -- is coming together beautifully. It will have 36 days worth of verses and photos, telling the truth about God's love, light, peace and healing power. I hope to finish it in the next few weeks. Stay tuned here for links to it in my on-line bookstore.

Our new Faith Walkers site (http://www.faithwalkers2.c0m/) is also going well. We've heard of women in China, Singapore and across the U.S. being encouraged by it, which really encourages us too! Feel free to share it with anyone you know facing cancer. And if you can donate to Jana Johnson's Koman Foundation 3-Day Breast Cancer Walk funds, I would be personally grateful: donate here.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for

and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel:
The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,

so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him,

and his righteousness with their children's children-
with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.
The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word.
Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will.
Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the LORD, O my soul.

Psalm 103

Radiation Rhema

The good news now that my energy is back...is that my energy is back. The bad news? My energy is back, and I have eight months of pent up ideas and creativity that's been back burnered all through surgery and chemo, and now I feel like going 100 miles an hour to get back into the creative side of my life.

Two projects that I want to tell you about:

1. Faith Walkers: a new website I developed with six other wonderful women -- five who have been walking the cancer journey recently and one who loves us all and wants to support us by walking in the Denver Breast Cancer 3-Day (60 Mile) Walk this weekend. Jana's idea was to wear a t-shirt that says "Faith Walkers" on the front and "Ask me about Carolyne...Sarah....Lynda...Vivian...Charlene" on the back. Then she's handing out business sized cards with words of encouragement and our photos and the Faith Walkers website address (http://www.faithwalkers2.com/). On the website we share more of our stories about our healing journeys. It's still a work in progress but well worth the time to read these gals' stories -- amazing! Mine isn't fully finished but I'll keep plugging away at it now that the main site is finished. This was my first full website to build and launch and learned a lot in the process. If you'd like to support me vicariously, please donate to Jana's walk fund raising; she had to raise $2,300 to walk and at the last minute a business that was going to sponsor that entirely backed out, leaving her with the entire amount to raise by the end of September.


2. Radiation Rhema: my first book project other than a few dabbles since December. I am asking God for daily words (scriptures), personal to me from Him (that's what rhema means) for each day I'm having radiation treatment. I'm trying to memorize each one (there will be 30 all together) and recite them throughout the day. Originally I'd thought I'd have all this time during my radiation treatments to memorize and recite...but now that I've had 7 treatments, each one lasting less than 2 minutes...I see that's not going to happen. The book already has 17 days of verses, each with a photo from this summer -- and as always, God orchestrates the perfect photo illustration for each verse. It's so energizing for me to be working on this and I can't wait for it to be ready to publish and share with you and with others going through cancer treatment.

Radiation is going fine so far. The whole process is so different than chemo. It takes more time to put make up on and drive to my appointment than the actual appointment takes (3 minutes to take my put on a hospital gown, 3 minutes to get my tattoos aligned to laser guides, 2 minutes of radiation zapping and 3 minutes to get dressed again). It's all very private too compared with chemo where I was in a room with ten or twelve others going through hours of treatment. With radiation, it's just me and a few nice nurses and just like an x-ray, they leave the room when I'm being zapped.

I haven't felt tired or had skin "sun" burns yet but sounds like that may kick in after 2 or 3 weeks of treatment (I have treatments every weekday at 12:45, for 30 treatments all together...done around the first of October).

My feet are still pretty numb, not any better or worse. I has an EMG test today by Dennis' (no my) neurologist and it showed I do have sensory neuropathy (which was obvious), but not motor neuropathy. That's good because it should get better as the effects of chemo fade (chemo has killed off the blood vessels that feed the nerves and as they rejuvenate, my nerves will too).

My hair is growing fast. In just three weeks it's more than a quarter inch long. Very soft. Seems to be darker but with more gray. At first I was sad to see my totally bald and tanned head go away, but it's interesting to see what's coming. My eyelashes never fell out during chemo, even grew longer which was weird...but started falling out along with my eyebrows when my hair started coming back. I was bummed because it definitely gave me more of a sick/chemo look. But then I realized that new eyelashes and brows were starting to grow back in. There's a verse about a time for every season.

School started two weeks ago, with a nice visit from Mom and Dean. Hannah and Hugh (and their parents) are back in the school routine, though I really miss my summer leisurely mornings on the deck.

I still get to enjoy my fun lunches with my B&B Club (Boobs and Books) girl friends. Here are some shots from Monday.

Radiation Rhema Verses 1 & 2:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all.

The Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything, by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7

Tatoos and Scars

No offense to those of you with cool tattoos, but personally, I've just never wanted one, even with my new Biker Babe scarf look. Didn't really want any more scars either.

But now I have both -- four new scars and four new tattoos. No photo sharing, just suffice it to say that my breast, chest and armpit have about 7 inches of scars from the lumpectomy done in January, the "re-do" done in February and the port implantation done in March...and now four freckle-sized black tattoo dots -- two on my cleavage and one on both sides of my rib cage. It took about two minutes to tattoo me but it hurt enough that I recommitted myself to a tattoo-free lifestyle.

The tattoos will be used to align the radiation machine so that it zaps exactly where it's supposed to and not where it's not. I'll start radiation after school starts -- Monday through Friday for six weeks, but only 15 minutes each time. The primary side effects I should expect are sunburned skin all over my breast, tenderness and tiredness (though my friends who've been through chemo and radiation tell me the fatigue from radiation is nothing compared with chemo...hope that's true for me).

Here are my scars and tattoos, all covered up, hidden from the world. Even my swim suit covers them, except the one under my arm pit.

Hidden or not, my scarves, bald head and thin eye brows signal to others that underneath these clothes are scars that tell a story. Women often ask me if I'm going through chemo and share a story about their victory over cancer or compliment me on how radiant I look. It's always an opportunity for me to share something encouraging about my journey and to acknowledge that Jesus is the reason I'm glowing and healthy and joyful.

As Stacy shared in Intercessory Prayer last week, it was Jesus' scars that God used to reach Thomas and others after his resurrection. It was his excruciating pain and suffering that bought our salvation, our rebirth.

We all have scars -- physical, emotional, relational. In spite of the pain that came with them, God uses them...if we allow Him to. My hope is that my scars will cause you to seek Him for yourself. And with God's grace, your scars will also become testimonies of healing and strength and peace.

Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve,

was not with the disciples when Jesus came.

So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!"

But he said to them,

"Unless I see the nail marks in his hands

and put my finger where the nails were,

and put my hand into his side,

I will not believe it."

A week later his disciples were in the house again,

and Thomas was with them.

Though the doors were locked,

Jesus came and stood among them and said,

"Peace be with you!"

Then he said to Thomas,

"Put your finger here; see my hands.

Reach out your hand and put it into my side.

Stop doubting and believe."

Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"

Then Jesus told him,

"Because you have seen me, you have believed;

blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples,

which are not recorded in this book.

But these are written that you may believe

that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God,

and that by believing you may have life in his name.

John 20:24-31

Last Chemo Treatment!!!

This entry was started Tuesday, July 7...finished Thursday, July 30. Guess I kept busy this month.

98 days after stepping into the chemo room, Monday, July 6 I walked out of it, my last chemo treatment behind me!

I celebrated all day, beginning with my morning quiet time. I prayed about how I would mark this step in my journey and was excited when God showed me I was to celebrate communion....right there in the chemo room. Many times since I was diagnosed, I have visualized the healing blood of Jesus flowing through my veins. My friend Sarah had shared how she would pray that the His blood was surrounding every cell in her body, preparing the cancer cells to be destroyed by the chemo and protecting all of the other cells. I knew this was the perfect way to celebrate this divine healing power joining forces with the healing power of Taxol and the other drugs I'd be receiving.

I envisioned serving others in the room too so I brought a full gallon of grape juice, a bag of thimble sized glasses (our special Christmas eggnog glasses) and Hannah prepared bread that could be shared. Maybe I chickened out but once I got settled in the chemo room and saw none of my chemo acquaintances there, I felt like this was to be a private thing for me. I waited until the two hours of blood tests and chemo-prep drugs were finished and then got my grape juice and bread ready.

After Kenna was done hooking up the Taxol, I began my private communion celebration, cocooned in my chemo chair...a sweet and joyous time...

...until I tried to capture the moment with a photo. Balancing the large bottle of grape juice and a piece of bread on my laptop with my left hand, and positioning the camera with my right hand...well, that just wasn't a good idea. Your clear chemo-free mind probably already figured that out!

Grape juice spilled all over my lap, dripping onto the floor (fortunately not all over my keyboard, though the space bar is a bit stubborn now). With the laptop on my lap, and me hooked up to the chemo machine, I was pretty helpless to deal with it. I sacrificed my scarf to try to soak up some of the juice in my lap but was I really needed a beach towel. At this point the four other patients in my chemo circle noticed that something was up and one who wasn't hooked up helped wipe up the floor spill. So much for a quiet, personal time with God, but no doubt He was smiling anyway. And as much as I'd like to have a photo of my lap covered in the healing blood of Jesus, it just didn't seem like the right thing to do at the time.

Since my pants were soaked with grape juice, I called "Hart 911" and within ten minutes Dennis, Hannah and Hugh had arrived with a full change of clothes. Not sure why Dennis needed to put my underwear on the top of the clothes pile he carried in, but hey, the chemo room isn't geared for total privacy and dignity anyway. Hannah helped me get out from underneath my laptop and unplugged the the chemo drip pole so I could go change clothes. I still had three more hours of treatment to go so I was really thankful for fresh clothes. I bet there aren't many patients that are such clothes horses that they were two different outfits for their final chemo treatment!

The rest of my treatment was uneventful. When I was done, the staff presented me with a signed bottle of sparking cider and six hours after walking in, I walked out for the last time. Just like getting home from a long trip, the first thing I did was unpack my "chemo bag" -- the cool J. Crew bag full of snacks and things to entertain me that my sisters and brother gave me. Felt good.

We celebrated with a crab dinner on the deck and enjoyed the sparkling cider. Doesn't get much better!

As with all of the previous Taxol cycles, I felt great until noon on Wednesday. And then, like clockwork, the chemo fog rolled in, blanketing me in intense fatigue and fuzzy headedness. I could still function physically and mentally (going to the kids' first swimming lesson, sending them off to Kids Camp for the weekend, making a few meals and even a fresh raspberry pie), but everything seemed to take extra time and concerted effort. And naps were glorious events.

Friday at 5:00 p.m. -- as predicted -- the chemo fog lifted and though I was still sluggish, my head was clear and I felt like me again (maybe an 80-year-old version of me). Hannah and Hugh were gone from Friday noon to Monday evening at camp so Dennis and I had a quiet weekend together -- missing the kids but enjoying our adult meals and a house without TV on.

Saturday we drove an hour up into the foothills to be with our church cell group, enjoying a good meal, fellowship and fishing. Dennis caught a large rainbow trout that we brought home and baked Julia Child style, and enjoyed on the deck along with a beautiful sunset. Nice way to celebrate a blessed year and a blessed life.

This cup is the new covenant in my blood,

which is poured out for you.

Luke 22:20

"No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment,

for the patch will pull away from the garment, making the tear worse.

Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins.

If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined.

No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."

While he was saying this, a ruler came and knelt before him and said,

"My daughter has just died.

But come and put your hand on her, and she will live."

Jesus got up and went with him, and so did his disciples.
Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years

came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak.

She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed."

Jesus turned and saw her.

"Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you."

And the woman was healed from that moment.

When Jesus entered the ruler's house and saw the flute players and the noisy crowd,

he said, "Go away. The girl is not dead but asleep."

But they laughed at him.

After the crowd had been put outside,

he went in and took the girl by the hand, and she got up.

News of this spread through all that region.

Matthew 9:16-26

Mom Told Me to Tell You I'm Fine

Just a quick post to let you know I'm doing fine...now 3 weeks exactly after my last chemo treatment. I started to write a post 2 weeks and 6 days ago the last day of treatment...and it will be worth reading when I finish it in the next day or so. But in the meantime, so I don't worry any more of you (sorry Aunt Sue, Carol, and whoever else came to my blog for an update only to see that I was still in the June 26 Fog Blog), here are some photos from this weekend's Passport To Purity getaway adventure to prove I am alive and weller everyday!

Taste and see that the LORD is good;

blessed is the (wo)man who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:8

Fog Blog

Seven chemo treatments done...one to go. The end is in sight, but not here yet. The pattern of these last three Taxol treatments has been very consistent:

• Monday - treatment day: 6 hours in the chemo room; no headaches or other real negatives. Strong white and red counts but my platelets are a bit low and I get nose bleeds and bruise easily. The neuropathy in my feet (as the nerve cells get killed off) is getting worse -- feels like my feet and toes are asleep and the tingling doesn't go away, but does feel better when Hannah rubs my feet or they're in the hot tub. It should get better once my treatments are finished but there could be some permanent numbing; doctors would rather give me the full dose of chemo and risk the neuropathy. So far it hasn't affected my fingers but my fingernails are a little tender and slightly discolored (but not as much as my other friends who took Taxol). The benedryll that is given to prevent inflammation with the chemo flow seemed to stop my dry cough that had hung on for weeks and weeks...nice side effect. The anti-nausea drug I take is a steroid and hypes me up in a nice, high energy way. Stayed up until 3 a.m. setting up the new computer we bought Dennis for Fathers Day and getting his old computer set up to be the kids' new computer.
• Tuesday - Neulasta day: in spite of staying up late, I was up in the morning taking care of health insurance and house refinancing stuff, then off to lunch with a fellow cancer survivor and Israel sojourner. Got my Neulasta shot (now at half dose) and went to the Breast Imaging Center for the first time since my diagnosis in November. It felt strange to be in the same waiting rooms, but nice to have a sense of peace and clarity about what they'd find: perfectly clear, normal healing of the scars and lumpectomy area. Next mammogram will be in November.
• Wednesday - Fog Day 0.5: gorgeous quiet morning on the deck, still feeling fine until about noon...then the fog rolls in. Headache, fuzzy head and achy muscles and bones, similar to having the flu. Still able to read and work on the computer but not at a very zippy pace. Kids went with neighbors to Cheyenne so it was quiet around here all afternoon. They were back by dinner and then were picked up at 10:00 for a sleepover. As soon as they left, I went to bed and slept all night aside from bathroom breaks because of all the extra water I drink.
• Thursday - Fog Day 1.5: total chemo fog day, start to finish. Feel really sluggish, tired, not able to move very quickly, low energy, very jet lagged. Weighed in this morning at 129, almost 20 pounds less than when I started...and back to my 20-something weight...another nice side effect. I'm eating well and have most of my taste buds back (after they were killed off by the first chemo drugs) but I don't have a desire to overeat. I've cut out some things from my diet that have certainly cut calories, fat and sugar: Starbucks coffee with cream and sugar has been replaced with hot water and fresh lemon juice every morning; no beer or soda and only an very occasional glass of wine; lots less cheese and dairy though I've put milk back into the mix most days. Basically smaller portions that fit my smaller appetite, and good mix of fruits and vegetables and not much dessert. Walked 3 or 4 blocks to get the kids to their swimming lesson and found that to be about as much as I could handle. Napped all afternoon -- nothing better than sleeping in the water bed when chemo fog is heaviest.
• Friday - Fog Day 2.5: tired and achy but alert enough to do my Bible study, read the paper, do some puzzles and bring my laptop out to the deck to write this blog. It's a beautiful summer day, kids are sleeping in and life couldn't be any more peaceful here on the deck. We had another rain storm last night so the air is clear and fresh.
• Saturday - The Fog Lifts: I'm expecting that by tomorrow (Saturday), the chemo fog will have lifted and though I won't have full energy back, I'll start to feel clearer in my thinking and able to start doing more things again...building back to almost normal throughout the rest of the week, including our favorite, Fourth of July neighborhood celebrations.

Once my chemo is done, I'll start getting ready for radiation. Made an appointment to see the radiation oncologist on July 23rd. There's quite a bit of prep work involved -- making a custom mask to fit my body so the radiation is pinpointed exactly where it needs to go, and no further -- so I probably won't start that until mid to late August. August 17 is the first day of school so I'm thinking that will be when I start radiation -- everyday for 15-30 minutes for 5 or 6 weeks (end of September). With the break in between chemo and radiation, we should have a chance to get away for a short vacation or at least for a few days to do our Passport to Purity getaways (Dennis with Hugh and me with Hannah). Hannah's soccer practice starts up the first week in August so before we know it the summer will feel like it's winding down.

I was hoping to get my port out as soon as possible but my oncologist recommends we keep it in for awhile, just in case the cancer comes back quickly. The type of cancer I have ("Triple Negative"...estrogen negative, projesterine negative and HER2 negative) tends to be more aggressive in recurring but I feel that God has told me the cancer is healed and my oncologist is impressed with how well I've gotten through the treatments thus far and there's no reason now to think it will come back soon. As I get skinnier, the port sticks out even more (it's the size of a walnut, under my skin below my collar bone). Ugly and creepy feeling but not really an issue having it in.

Before I forget, I did want to share an odd side effect I've experienced, counter to the usual eyebrow and eyelash loss: my eyelashes didn't fall out and now are growing longer than normal. During the first four treatments, my eye brows thinned and my eyelashes bleached out to a blond/light brown color. Now my eyelashes have grown at least a quarter inch longer than normal and have come back their normal dark brown. I don't normally wear mascara, but when I do, boy, do I have long beautiful eyelashes, top and bottom. They even get in the way of my vision sometimes, to which Hugh (who has always had to-die-for eye lashes) said, "Welcome to my world."

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

For the Display of HER Splendor?

I've been on a bit of a scarf buying frenzy the last few weeks. Not that I didn't have a number of gorgeous scarves that Mom brought in March, but now that every "what should I wear?" decision has to factor in headware too, I was feeling like a few more scarves in summer colors would help.

Hannah helped me find the first two new scarves during a fun Girls Day Out. She correctly predicted that I'd find a hot pink scarf at Justice, a strictly for tweener girls store. At Aeropostale, we found a lemon lime tie dye scarf -- the only thing in the entire store that didn't have "Aeropostale" plastered across it (but now you know how totally cool I am, and if you don't know how cool Aeropostale is, you'll just have to ask Hannah or any other aspiring teenager).

Last Tuesday, still hyped up on Decadron, the steroid anti-nausea drug I get the days surrounding my Taxol chemo treatments, I went downtown to see if I couldn't find something a little more, well, sophisticated. No offense, Justice.

And boy, did I score! At Designs I found a beautiful hand painted green silk scarf (hard to see, but it's the shawl around Hannah's arm in this photos). At Nepal Tibet Imports, I found a loosely woven coral/pink/purple scarf that works with many of my summer things...and someday won't smell like incense.

My favorite is the one I found at Lizzy's at Julian's. It's the one I'm wearing in the photo with Hannah and the one after. What caught my eye was the beautiful free flowing design in a cornucopia of "my" colors. Gorgeous!

But what caught Hannah and Hugh's eye when I showed off my scarf conquest...what caused Hannah to look in horror and ask, "Mom, why did you buy that scarf?!?!?"...what I was totally oblivious to as I tried it on at Lizzy's:

You might wonder how I could possibly miss such a, well, noticeable part of the design? Chemo brain? Breast cancer breast blindness? Decadron delusions? I don't know but I love this scarf! And I'm thankful that her perky breasts fall right at the place I knot the scarf...our little secret.

At that time Jesus said,
"I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth,
because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned,
and revealed them to little children.
Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.

Matthew 11:25

He said to them,
"Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed?
Instead, don't you put it on its stand?
For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed

and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.

Mark 4:22

Dry Bones, Come to Life

Well no wonder my bones have been aching! Instead of the usual pathetic 300-600 white blood cells in my 1-week-post-chemo blood count, today they have exploded to an unimaginably high 27,600 cells. Not only is that massively higher than usual, it's way higher than even my healthy rates (which seem to kick up to around 8,000 by the time I'm ready for another chemo treatment). This seems to indicate that Taxol (the chemo drug I'll be on for my final four treatments. starting last week) isn't nearly as brutal on my white and red counts as the chemo drugs used in the first four treatments.

They'll be able to cut my bone marrow booster dosage in half next week. In the meantime, when my legs, hips and shoulder bones ache I can dip into my post-surgery pain killers to dull the ache. My physicians assistant assures me I won't become a drug addict, just happier and more rested.

The other good thing about Taxol is it didn't give me any headaches the day of chemo. The chemo fog hit as usual, or maybe harder, the third, fourth and fifth day after chemo. It probably felt worse because I had to spend those days sorting through health insurance policies for Dennis and the kids. It would have been mind numbing work on a normal day, but definitely was a mind over matter task for my chemo brain. It got done anyway and time will tell whether the decisions I made "in the fog" had God's light guiding them; I'm trusting so.

I did experience some Taxol-related neuropathy that may get worse as I go through more treatments. The Taxol damages the nerve endings in feet and hands, making them feel numb or tingly. I noticed that the bottoms of my feet felt slightly numb when I woke up on Saturday. I'll need to be careful about not going barefoot outdoors and watching that I don't loose my balance. Hopefully it won't get much worse and regardless, it will go away once the chemo is finished.

My energy level is returning. On Sunday afternoon, we had a wonderful but draining trip to Estes Park to visit friends. Monday I was able to have a long, laugh-filled B&B lunch with Sarah and Lynda. And Wednesday I'll be in an all-day school board meeting/planning workshop -- so energy is a wonderful thing!

The hand of the LORD was upon me,

and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley;

it was full of bones.

He led me back and forth among them,

and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley,

bones that were very dry.

He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"

I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know."

enter you, and you will come to life.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them,

Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD!

This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones:

I will make breath

I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you

and cover you with skin;

I will put breath in you, and you will come to life.

Then you will know that I am the LORD.' "

Ezekiel 37:1-6

Rare Please, With a Bag of Blood on the Side

I am one of the rare people who likes their steaks and burgers rare. Really rare. If you instantly started thinking, "so that's why she got cancer!", then you must be one of those people who prefers their meat what I would call "dry and tasteless" and you would call "perfectly delicious and not in danger of walking away." At our house we say, "that's why they make chocolate and vanilla ice cream."

Last Tuesday night I had a blood transfusion to turbo boost my anemic red blood count. During the six hours in the hospital transfusion room, I was offered the chance to order anything I wanted from the extensive hospital dining list. I chose Chicken Marsala (wine and mushroom sauce), mashed potatoes, green beans, lemon chiffon on a nut crust (the best part of the meal) and milk.

What I didn't choose was to eat my meal while plugged into the transfusion machine, with the blood bag drip, drip, dripping into me -- all within a foot of me and in clear sight.

When it was time to begin the second bag of blood, the picnic cooler holding it sat on the same tray where I was eating. It looks like the same kind of picnic six pack cooler you'd buy at Target but held the blood bag (and no harvested heart or liver for a transplant). Before they loaded up the bag on the transfusion tree, the bag of blood just sat there on my table, 9-inches away from my food. Even for me, that's more blood than I like to look at while I'm eating.

By the way, I my blood type is O Negative (unlike my sister, Lizann, who is proud of her A Plus grade). Someone told me they have JC Positive blood (Jesus Christ Positive), which sounds good to me. I am grateful to have the Holy Spirit living in me and know that He truly does cover every cell in my body with healing, love and life.

Jesus said to them,

"I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood,

you have no life in you.

Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life,

and I will raise him up at the last day.

For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink.

Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him.

Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father,

so the one who feeds on me will live because of me.

This is the bread that came down from heaven.

Your forefathers ate manna and died,

but he who feeds on this bread will live forever."

He said this while teaching in the synagogue in Capernaum.

On hearing it, many of his disciples said,

"This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?"

Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this,

Jesus said to them, Does this offend you?

What if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before!

The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing.

The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life.

Yet there are some of you who do not believe."

For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him.

He went on to say, "This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him."

John 6:53-65

No More Bad Hair Days

"Mom, you really do need to shave your head. It just looks creepy."

It's been more than a month since most of my hair fell out and the remnants remaining have not only refused to fall out on their own, but have kept growing. So I needed a haircut and a miraculous styling job, or it was finally time to get the clippers out.

I've been cutting Dennis' hair for quite awhile and today, he got his turn to cut mine. Ann Foorman, our covemate, friend and professional photographer (www.depthoffieldarts.lifepics.com) came over to record the event with my camera.

A picture's worth at least 500 words, so I'll save mine:

My lover said to me, “Rise up, my darling!

Come away with me, my fair one!

Look, the winter is past,

and the rains are over and gone.

The flowers are springing up,

the season of singing birds has come,

and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.

The fig trees are forming young fruit,

and the fragrant grapevines are blossoming.

Rise up, my darling!

Come away with me, my fair one!”

Song of Songs 2:10-13