A Remnant, By Grace

Writing from the chemo room, receiving treatment #3 (with Kenna, my sweet nurse, pumping that red chemo juice into my Power of God Port). This week as I've marvelled at the defiant hairs that remain firmly rooted in my head, I was led to dive into scriptures about the remnant. To me it seems like these remaining hairs -- maybe 10% of the original -- symbolize something about God's grace for his chosen people, be they the Jews throughout history or those of us grafted in through Christ.

But now, for a brief moment,
the LORD our God has been gracious in leaving us a remnant
and giving us a firm place in his sanctuary,
and so our God gives light to our eyes and a little relief in our bondage.

Ezra 9:8
~-~-~

In that day
the LORD Almighty will be a glorious crown,
a beautiful wreath
for the remnant of his people.

Isaiah 28:5

~-~-~

Once more a remnant of the house of Judah
will take root below and bear fruit above.

Isaiah 37:31

~-~-~

And what was God's answer to him?
"I have reserved for myself seven thousand who have not bowed the knee to Baal."
So too, at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace.
And if by grace, then it is no longer by works;
if it were, grace would no longer be grace.

Romans 11:4-6

Even though they are pretty pathetic looking, the remaining hairs make me smile. Yes, they are goofy looking, which makes me look goofy too. But they also represent a great "darn it, I'm staying" attitude that I appreciate as my life moves along this uncharted chemo path. And since there's no apparent reason why they should still be here when the others gave up so easily, I'll attribute that to God's grace, and not their works...or mine.

The other amazing demonstration of his grace is that I've avoided any illness this week. Even though my white blood cell count dipped down to 600 with only 6% useful for fighting infection after my after the last treatment, a drippy nose was all that I experienced. And today, when they tested it before starting chemo, it has zoomed up to a healthy 8600 with 85% fighters.

He is gracious!

Who Needs Hair Anyway?

Well, no wonder. I just did scientific research (selecting the first answer Google produced) about the number of hairs on the average head. And even though I completely believe what Jesus said,

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?

Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Luke 12:6-7

knowing that the WikiAnswers gurus say it's between 100,000 and 200,000 explains a lot.

Maybe I chickened out. Maybe I naturally root for the underdogs. Maybe I'm in denial. Whatever the reason, I didn't proactively sheer my balding head this weekend. Instead, I've been singing that Loving Care commercial: "I'm going to wash that gray right out of my hair" as I've showered the last three mornings. And each morning, probably 25,000 hairs, brown and gray, filled the shower drain.

With 25,000 fewer hairs on my head each morning, I've begun the new morning ritual: wig or scarf today? Monday I opted for scarf (thank you, Mom) to go with my new Chemo Care Package blouse (thank you Lizann, Pam, Robyn and Molly)...but first made Dennis take a picture of my obviously thinning hair. Other than Hugh telling me I looked like a biker chick wearing the scarf, I felt pretty o.k. with it.I tried to Google the answer to my other question: why has the top and back of my head lost the most hair, just like men's male pattern baldness? I didn't find the answer, just lots of sites wanting to sell me hair loss treatments. I'll save my money.

Visited the oncologist for my weekly blood count work (way down again: 600 white blood cells per whatever, vs. 9,700 last Monday, and only 6% of them useful for fighting infection...so pray that they'll pop back up by next Monday, and I'll continue to have my Blood of Jesus Hedge of Protection from infections in the meantime). Otherwise, my doctor thinks I'm doing great. Attributes that in part to positive attitude, but I'd attribute it to Powerful God.

Way more fun than getting poked at the oncologist was my every-other-Monday B&B lunch with my two new breast cancer buddies, Sarah and Lynda. They're both further along with their chemo and have been fabulous sources of tips, tricks, encouragement and belly laughs. B&B stands for Books & B..bs, since Sarah is an accomplished book designer...and you can guess the rest. Pray for Sarah as she's having surgery this Friday and for Lynda as she continues many weeks of treatment.

And to you who voted in my on-line poll (which will fall out first?), I'd have to say that the majority answer is turning out to be the correct answer, at least in my case: chemo is colorblind and it doesn't seem that brown or gray have a better chance of staying in longer. But like I said, who needs hair anyway?

Harry, Harrie and Hairie

Friday Hair Update:

Hugh's is the longest.

Mine is the thinnest.

Hannah's is the poofiest (she's wearing my wig).

P.J.'s at Noon

Still in my fuzzy p.j.'s, though I've roused myself from a hibernation nap to check my e-mail and post a short update. I'm pushing through the post-chemo fatigue that sets in on the Wednesdays and Thursdays after a Monday treatment. Feels like swimming through Jello to move from one place to another -- slow going but without pain.

Not bad since two of my three appointments for the day have been canceled: (1) a walking date with Carmen, who has a sore throat and didn't want to share that with me, and (2) Hannah's soccer practice, which was cancelled in anticipation of a snow storm headed our way. Debbie, just confirmed Appointment #3 -- a soup and pasta casserole dinner being delivered in thirty minutes -- making tonight an easy, healthy dinner night. The soup comes from a beautiful cookbook for chemo diners: One Bite at a Time. Time will tell whether Hugh's football game will also be cancelled or whether Dennis and Hugh will get to be tough football guys in rain or snow.

My hair is falling out quickly now. A light touch sends dozens of hairs falling like the needles on our Christmas tree when we leave it up into January. The collar and shoulders of my fuzzy white p.j.'s are covered with hair, as if a shedding dog had made it's bed there. I hesitate to even try to brush my hair to straighten out the bed head from my nap, but when I do, it looks better. Maybe tomorrow, when the kids have no school and no football or soccer games, we'll have a shearing party. I am usually the photographer at family events, but I'll need to enlist Hannah or Hugh for that duty -- and then watch for photos here. In the meantime, there's still time to place your vote in the "which ones fall out first" poll.

Ironic that my morning reading was in the early books of Isaiah, where in Chapter 4, he describes the women of Jerusalem, cursed with their bald heads, payback for their haughty vanity. I'll leave that to you to read, but instead will share this from Chapter 6, verses 1 to 3:

In the year that King Uzziah died,

I saw the Lord seated on a throne,

high and exalted,

and the train of his robe filled the temple.

Above him were seraphs, each with six wings:

With two wings they covered their faces,

with two they covered their feet,

and with two they were flying.

And they were calling to one another:

"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;

the whole earth is full of his glory."

Round 2

I'm writing from the chemo room today. Feeling like a pro today coming with my LaGrange/Swedlund Sisters J.Crew Care Bag of snacks, mega water bottle, laptop and new CD (Kaitlyn Stover's awesome "Our Cry" http://www.kaitlynstover.com/media/audio/). So far, 2 hours into my treatment and the chemo head hasn't really kicked in yet. My bone marrow has kicked in tremendously though -- my white count is now up to 9,700 so I am well protected against infection.

Today my hair has started to fall out -- anticipated but strange nonetheless. A little pinch yields 10 or 12 hairs at a time. No tugging like when I pluck a renegade gray one, just a soft releasing of hairs into my fingers. I won't tell you whether the gray ones come out more readily now -- you'll have to wait until the voting closes on my mini-poll to find out.

The nurse tells me this treatment will be the last time they see my natural hair and they'll soon to recognize me by my new look -- wig or bald, whichever I wear for my upcoming treatments. The gal across from me is going bald and beautiful but I do spot some wigs around the room, and others receiving chemo drugs that don't affect their hair.

~*~*~*~

The kids have arrived from school so we'll now head home where I'll await the chemo fog.

Good Friday: So Good, So God

Good Friday is good, no matter what the circumstances. But for me today it truly is Great Friday. God answered the prayers of Hannah and Hugh's classmates and teachers in a great way -- with a white blood count that astounds me (and even impressed the nurse). 7,500!!! That's higher than my normal count (around 6,000) and vastly higher than five days ago when it clocked in at an eerily low 900. Humbling to see God's touch in such a measurable way.

White blood cells are the soldiers against infection and when my count was at 900, I was warned to stay away from likely infection sources. Poor Dennis, who started to come down with a cold on Sunday night, has been exiled to the guest bed all week. I wore my Dr. Hart surgical mask when we took Hannah to the doctor on Tuesday (guessing that a family doctor's office ranks pretty high on the "really germy places" list). On Monday night and Tuesday, I was starting to feel the first signs of a sore throat, and my temperature was hovering around 100. The chemo education materials warn me to take my temperature daily and to call day or night if it reaches 100.5. I did call, and was immediately put on an antibiotic, just to be safe.

By Wednesday morning my temperature was down and I felt fine. Though it was safe to assume that my infection fighting white blood cells were still pretty depleted. I prayed a hedge of protection around me and ventured into a known "really germy place" -- an elementary school. But this elementary school, Resurrection Christian, is filled with God's presence and kids and teachers who operate in God's power.

The chapel service I attended with 400 1st through 5th graders focused on the tearing of the veil separating us from God, which happened at the moment Jesus breathed his last on the cross. At the end, the 5th graders spread out throughout the room and began praying with anyone wanting prayer, and though I know they are praying from me daily, it was sweet to have Hailey put her arm around my and pray again for my complete healing and protection from side effects.

I am the healed! And 7,500 white blood cells per microleter is just one of many miracles to come!

During this Easter weekend, I pray you will have an encounter with the living, true God who loves you more than you can fathom.

This is how God showed his love among us:

He sent his one and only Son into the world

that we might live through him.

This is love:

not that we loved God,

but that he loved us

and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice

for our sins.

1 John 4:9-11

Fake It 'til You Make It

Is it live or is it Memorex?

Same could be said for my new doo, thanks to Cheri at Old Town Hair in Fort Collins. Today, Cheri styled my new wig to look pretty darn close to my current hairstyle. The wig has the potential for quite a bit more curl and poof than my real hair has, so we'll see how adventurous (or not) I feel when I start wearing it for real.

At this point there's no sign of any hairs coming out (except the gray ones that I execute every now and then...to no avail). So my question to all you scientists and/or high fashion hair experts out there: do you think the gray ones will fall out first?

My Passover and Resurrection Sunday

Hallelujah! (S)he has risen! Not from the dead, like Jesus, but from the haze of my first week of chemo, feeling completely redeemed and full of life. Yesterday truly was my Resurrection Sunday, a week early. I'm amazed at how totally transformed I felt Sunday -- 100% renewed. Worship and communion were intensely precious, feeling God's sweet touch on my life.

And this at the end of a week that showed me again the power of God's right hand, protecting me and allowing the ill effects of the chemo treatments to passover me. After a few days of resting and pressing through the chemo fog, by Friday I was already starting to feel virtually normal again. I had assumed that I'd be too wiped out to take part in a Passover seder Friday evening with our church cell group. Instead, the early Passover celebration (Passover officially starts at sundown on Wednesday) was an amazing display of God's redemption and protection of his chosen -- then and now. To my Jewish and Christian friends who don't know why Christians would celebrate Passover, this website has a good on-line video describing how foundational the Passover seder is to understanding Jesus, Messiah: http://sojournerministries.com/cmz/.

Today I went to the oncologist for my first blood work and week-in-review. Having had no nausea or mouth sores with this first treatment means I'm not likely to have major issues with that in the upcoming weeks of treatment. What a blessing! As expected, my white cell blood count is way down (normally over 6,000; now at 900). This means I need to be extra careful to avoid germy environments and sick people -- seems like a good idea for anyone, but for me it means no eating out at restaurants and probably need to stay away from school this week (though I may sneak into the back of the special 5th grade led chapel service on Wednesday). The medicine I got last Tuesday that causes my bone marrow to super-generate white blood cells should be kicking into high gear right now and by next Monday, my counts should be up. If not, the chemo would be pushed out until they're back up. Since I feel fine, I'll just need to be extra cautious and watch for any signs of infection.

I've just returned from a walk with a new friend -- a neighbor lady who had a double mastectomy in February. I had put the word out that I am looking for walking buddies to help me stay on track with daily exercise throughout my treatments, and she kindly volunteered. Nice to spend time with her and today's gorgeous clear skies and 50 degree weather made it really delightful to be out and about...quite a contrast from Saturday morning's blizzard. You gotta love Colorado in the spring!

Saturday:

Today (Monday):

April Fools

Today is the day I had been warned that chemo fatigue would start setting in...but April Fools, I woke up feeling great. Even tried to pull an April Fools joke on Hannah, telling her that I felt terrible...but she was on to my charade in no time.

My practically normal feelings lasted until mid-afternoon, plenty of time to get more things done and talk to a number of good friends...before April Fools on me -- here it comes. Gradually got more fuzzy headed, weird feeling and achy in spots. The achy is probably from the white blood cell booster shot I got yesterday -- stimulates my bone marrow to crank out large numbers of new white blood cells since the chemo kills them off, and white blood cells kill off infections...so pretty important. And with all that cranking, the bones can get kind of achy...so guess it's good they're keeping busy.

Even with this, I was able to play some Wii Tennis with my neighbor, Ann, who came over with great mango guacamole. I decided I'd better take it easy on the tennis for now, until my port has had longer to make itself at home in my chest (inserted under my skin just below my collar bone just a week ago). Instead took Blaze for a long walk around the lake and even though it was cold and windy it felt good to get some fresh air and pseudo-exercise. Should have brought my camera for some "snow storm coming" shots.

Hannah presented me with a fuzzy pillow she found for me -- super soft for my someday bald head. Probably ten days or more away from having my hair start to fall out, but when it does I'll be ready!

Auggie and Allison came with an unexpected full, delicious meal around 6:30, solving our "what's for dinner?" question. I am continually amazed at how often I have gotten a glimpse at what it was like for Jesus to be "attended by angels" while he was in his 40 days in the wilderness!

I will fall into bed tonight momentarily...thankful again.